|
Articles
|
|
|
|
Protecting the community from burglars, murderers and blogs
Michael
the Police Officer has kindly pointed out to me that it is a criminal
offence to solicit money with the intent to purchase drugs and sell
them at a profit. As such, I have amended the previous article accordingly.
I did not mind caving on this request as I find the amended version more amusing than the original.Also,
I actually spent the weekend in jail recently due to unpaid parking
fines. Adelaide police are generally a bunch of pricks and when I
stated that I was vegetarian, I was given a raw potato to last me the
two days. While the hardest part is not being allowed to smoke,
declaring that you have a low blood sugar count means they have to
bring you cups of coffee or tea when you request them so I requested
around a hundred and forty.
|
|
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8.12pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Censorship
Dear Mike,
Thank
you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs. I
simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do
however understand the importance of censorship. Without an enforced
system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced
to exercise their own discretion.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.27am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Censorship
David,
your obvious disrespect for authority doesn't change the fact that
soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a
criminal offence under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the
article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.44am
To: Michael Harding
Subject:Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Michael,Despite
your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I
actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when
I arrived on time at the correct building. While not exactly a police
officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck
from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and
constructed a moustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the
neighbour's cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered
my allergy to cat hair. Dragged to my neighbour's house, my apology
through lips the size of bananas came out as "Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat
iwntdtobemgnumpi." I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the
25th century due to Wilma Deering's jumpsuit but despite emptying the
refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was
mild hypothermia and a belting.
I
have been considering sitting the police exam again as protecting the
community from burglars, murderers and blogs must be very fulfilling. I
am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging and I once
performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on
the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self defence
and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and
pretend to walk against a strong wind to the delight of those around
me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite
useful during police stealth operations.Due
to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with
weapons but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a
length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball and a three
to one ratio of chlorine & brake fluid. While the design was
flawless, the resulting broken collar bone from the kickback and two
inch hole through two plaster walls then a television set brought a
swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 2.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
David,
this isn't the first time we've received complaints regarding your
website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article and I'll be
checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously but
I can assure you that we do.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 3.18pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Michael,
I
do indeed take the matter seriously and will attempt to facilitate your
request by 5pm tomorrow despite the fact that I am extremely busy this
weekend. I need to bury the two dead backpackers I have in the spare
room as the smell is starting to attract suspicion. And wolves. It is a
fairly large job as one of the backpackers is American and will
therefore require a hole several sizes larger than normal. On the plus
side, the other is from England which obviously means no dental
records. I could hire one of those mini
bobcat tractors for the day but will probably just let the children out
for a game of 'best digger gets food this week'. I am sick of hearing
"I want my parents" and "Please don't lock me in the spare room again,
it smells funny" but many hands, no matter how small, make light work.Also,
I was watching Crime Stoppers last night and was wondering if you need
anyone to play the perpetrators in crime re-enactments? I have several
years acting experience convincing co-workers that I am listening and
care about their relationship issues or what they did on the weekend
while really thinking about robots or what would happen if a car made
of diamond drove really fast into a wall made of diamond. I would
prefer to play either a black professor or an Asian bus driver.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 10.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
I
suggest you spend the time deleting the page as you have been requested
to do rather than writing about dead backpackers. What is wrong with
you?
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.02pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Mike,
My
apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my
vehicle. Did you know that if you report it stolen the insurance
company gives you money to buy a new one? I usually do this every
eleven months as it saves having to pay for an annual service.I
do not have dead backpackers in the spare room. I was just being silly.
There is no space in there due to the hydroponics system, pots and bags
of nutrients. I read somewhere that it is ok to have up to three
hundred and seventy marijuana plants for personal use. Correct me if I
wrong. As I do not have a backyard and the plants take up most of the
apartment, I sleep in a hammock stretched between two of the larger
trunks. It is like sleeping in a jungle and sometimes I pretend I am a
baby monkey. Due to the 24 hour UV lighting, my electricity bill this
month is nearly four thousand dollars but I have an awesome tan.
In regards to the website, rather than deleting the article, I will amend it to be about cats. Is this acceptable to you?
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.31pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
It
isn't legal to grow even one plant which I'm sure you already know.
Possession of less than 100g or one plant has been decriminalised but
still carries a fine. Changing the page to be about cats is fine. I
will be checking to see if it has been done by 5pm. I strongly suggest
that you do so.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.17pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Mike,
5pm eastern standard time or ours?
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Ours.
I've had enough of your nonsense. If the page is not removed or changed
within the next 20 minutes I will be filing an order under the e-crimes
act of 2006 to have the website shut down.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.59pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship
Done.
|
|
|
|
Contact
27b/6 Products
Featuring
the complete collection of articles from 27b/6 plus those too litigious
to be included here, The Internet is a Playground is now available
exclusively from Fontaine Press.
more...
Investment Opportunity
Your invitation to participate in an exciting investment opportunity that promises guaranteed returns in a ready market.
Sponsors
|
|
